Do I Exist?

sharont6 | Awakening/ Enlightenment | 07 13th, 2019  |  No Comments »

7/11

Conversation with smudge: “I is just a thought and thoughts can’t think…” GG. If I’m not thinking, then who is? I keep bumping up against this. Who thinks, if not an I? Thoughts just flow, I get that. There is just thinking, no real thinker. So… Where do thoughts come from? This seems important but so far, it’s been a dead end. I have read that they arise from the unconscious because of past karma. This would imply that “I ” have no control over them. But then there are times that I insert thoughts, or it feels like that anyway. I feel a sensation in the head and thoughts come…

Smudge told me to investigate if I was imaginary or not. Meditated…

I have now seen the imaginary “I” take hold of a memory, turn it into a story and claim it as its own. (Thomas getting a tick at Cunningham house and becoming hysterical.)  There was a noticing or listening to the story and then “I” saw right through it! When this awareness happened there was a space or gap there. It wasn’t personal anymore. An emotional distance maybe. Not sure how to describe it. But it was noticed. Is this noticing (while it is happening) the part that’s been missing? 

Smudge inspired this: Direct experience is alive and vibrant. Thoughts are dull and distracting you from your essence.

SM “If you try and work this out intellectually you will fail. Only by actually looking will seeing happen. This isn’t about thoughts stopping its seeing them for what they are.” Thoughts. So simple. 

If there is a ‘Sharon’ controlling thoughts then she should be able to be found just like foot or arm can be found. Look. What is found other than thought?”

So, I am not the body. (I am not the arm, or leg, or toe.) So how can “I” be real? The place I want to be is: “Of course there is no I? How could I have fallen for that scam?”

Lila: When you noticed that the I had taken over the story, was there a duality?

Me: Yes, there is a duality. A noticing of something separate. When there is no noticing, the i takes over and it will stay until there is noticing again. Being unconscious until noticing returns. When there is focusing on awareness, the present moment, there is the sensation of something in the head. That sensation is what I’m calling “I”. There is no duality in those moments, just when “I” hijacks another story.

If I is just a label, changing its name won’t help. Tuệ Âm is not who I am. I’ve only had that name for four months. Could it be that the I is somehow coded into cellular memory? Is that why it’s so difficult to let it go?

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