Thin =Hatred

sharont6 | Awakening/ Enlightenment | 07 13th, 2019  |  No Comments »

6/30

Why does the desire to awaken cause misery? 1st– When you realize you aren’t close to awakening, you suffer. The misery in your life that caused you to want to awaken must be dealt with. You can’t just suppress past pain. You must move through it, so suffering! Tuệ Âm

OMG! I just realized the quandary of the desire to eat, if it is not true hunger (which mine never is). When you fulfill the desire, you gain weight and/or have serious health problems. No, no, no! Feel the hunger. Stay with it until it dissolves.  The hunger is based on the hole I am trying to fill because I’m not my authentic self. So the desire for food is the desire to awaken, both of which are desires. Darn!  When I was trying to sit with the hunger the ego said, “Get out of here!” Touched a nerve.   I also stuff down frustration (Is frustration anger?) While teaching, the desire was to be a good teacher. That desire led to a LOT of frustration… Am I desiring to be a good parent/grandparent now? Is that one of the frustrations I’m trying to eat my way out of? Feel the frustration. It is surfacing as I allow myself to feel the hunger.

OMG! Another realization. I saw my mother’s reflection in the mirror a few days ago as I was working through some anger. Now I understand the relevance. Mother was overweight all her life, until she had cancer. She lost weight and she stopped taking her Valium. She went crazy, literally. (My family overeats when stress and feelings become too difficult to deal with. Eating is fun!) My desire had been to be a good daughter. Now nothing I did was good enough. My mother had cancer, was losing weight, and was going crazy. I couldn’t cope. So as she lost weight, I gained it. It was more than I could process so I ate. I stuffed emotions with food, and I felt better. I kept trying to be a good daughter but not only was nothing good enough, she looked at me with hatred. So now my only memories of my mother as thin, were tainted with her hatred of me. Thin=hate.   When you totally work through an issue, there will be peace. No peace yet.   New desire arises–> underneath it is the desire to be happy. Well, that never turns out well. Read–eyes weaken. Dance–back hurts.  It’s all right to eat when you make a conscious decision and the desire is gone. The desire to please… The desire to be happy… The desire to be loved…

Sudden realization after unconditional love meditation. Osho “You are not to become Buddha, there is no need. One Buddha is enough, and repetition is of no value.” So, if I don’t awaken this lifetime, that is fine as long as I reach my highest potential for this lifetime. ZM says that whatever spiritual growth we attain in this life is not lost. I can’t really change the script that has already been written for this dream.

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